MANHATTAN -- Healing the pain after an affair may seem impossible, but understanding your emotions and knowing how to deal with them may help the healing process begin.
A Kansas State University family studies and human services professor was part of a study that traced the emotional processes after the disclosure of an extramarital affair.
Candyce Russell, a licensed family therapist, said understanding the emotions following infidelity may help guide therapists and help couples form a "road map" to healing.
"Having a 'road map' can help couples know what to expect next and reassure them that they aren't pathological," Russell said.
Three stages of emotional processes emerged in the study. Stage one is the roller-coaster, a dramatic stage filled with strong emotions. Emotions varied in this stage from anger and self-blame to moments of introspection and deepened appreciation for the relationship.
The second stage is moratorium, a less emotional period where attempts to make sense of the infidelity occur. Obsessing about details of the affair, retreating physically and emotionally and reaching out to others for help are common in this stage.
"The injured party may retreat and want time alone to try and make sense of the infidelity. They may ask a lot of questions, trying to put the pieces together to understand what made the relationship vulnerable," Russell said.
At the end of end of the moratorium stage, couples who decided they wanted to stay together and make their marriage work then moved into the third stage of trust-building.
"In the trust-building stage, showing commitment to the relationship was most important for injured parties to begin forgiving and building trust. One respondent mentioned that her husband no longer took out the children's car seats when he went to the store by himself, and how that small step showed commitment to the relationship and the family," Russell said.
Russell said it is important in this stage that the offending party understand that building back trust is a long process that needs time and sincere commitment to the marriage.
"The motivation for efforts at trust-building has to come from within for the injured party to be able to forgive," Russell said.
In this study, most of the couples stayed together and continued to work on their marriages. They described some unexpected positive changes following the affair. Some couples reported developing a closer relationship, placing more importance on family and better understanding the importance of communication within their marriages.
When participants were asked what advice they would give other couples faced with infidelity, they cited communication, outside support and offering forgiveness.
Participants in the study were also asked what advice they might offer counselors working with similar couples. They wanted their therapist to be active, give advice and help them to understand what made their relationship vulnerable to infidelity, Russell said.
"The couples indicated that they wanted a 'road map' to help them understand the emotions they are going through and guide them in their healing process," Russell said.
##Source: Candyce S. Russell, 785-532-1489, e-mail: [email protected]
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