News — WASHINGTON (March 13, 2024) – Planning a wedding and getting married is stressful. Calling off a wedding and needing to tell loved ones the news can be even more stressful. It is this challenging human experience that drives new research into the most effective ways of supporting someone who is going through a broken engagement.
The new study, published today in the Journal of Qualitative Research in Medicine & Healthcare, finds that everyone has the power to help someone heal, regardless of their relationship with that person. From bartender to coworker, friend or relative, the study supports the idea that no one should underestimate their healing power in offering thoughtful words. After a broken engagement, sometimes friends and family provide the best support; but other times, kind words from a stranger can go a long way too.
“If we haven’t personally experienced a relationship breakup, we all know someone who has gone through one. Some messages can make us feel worse, stressed, or cause us to ruminate longer, which delays our healing. Yet, hearing messages that are thoughtful and kind can immediately lift our mood and help us heal,” Wendy Riemann, study author and an adjunct communication professor at the George Washington University says. “This research reminds us that we should care about the wellbeing of the people around us. By being present and offering kind words that are in-tune with the needs of someone who is experiencing a difficult time, we can all help another person feel a little stronger.”
Riemann’s paper identifies the messages that were the most helpful and the least helpful for people experiencing a broken marriage engagement, as well as some mixed messages that were found to be helpful to some, unhelpful to others, and often a double-edged sword.
Riemann interviewed over 40 people to hear about their broken engagement experiences and organized the support phrases into a metaphorical stoplight: green are messages that were found to be most helpful for study participants; yellow advises people to use caution with certain phrases, as these messages helped some people but didn’t help others; and, red describes the phrases that study participants said were least helpful to them as they processed and moved on from the breakup.
Most Helpful:
- Convey your listening, i.e. “I’m here if you want to vent”
- Spending time with someone, i.e. offering to do an activity together where the person can choose to talk about it or not
- Tangible support, i.e. making meals, dropping off moving boxes, or offering a place to stay are ways to be supportive without the person needing to make asks
Sometimes Helpful:
- Monday Morning Quarterbacking, i.e. criticizing the relationship (“I never thought you two would last”), criticizing the ex-partner (“I never liked them”), or gossiping about the ex-partner’s indiscretions or shortcomings (“I’m pretty sure they cheated on you”)
- “I’m Sorry:” Apologies are often natural first reactions, which are helpful to some when said sincerely. However, for people who found courage to leave an abusive relationship or a partner with addictions, apologizing may make them question their decision or make them feel like they must justify their decision. Apologizing can also make someone feel like a failure if they are worried about disappointing loved ones.
Least Helpful:
- Platitude, i.e. “there are more fish in the sea” or “you’ll find love again”
- Passing judgment, i.e. “are you sure about this?” or “move on already”
Overall, Riemann found that study participants were usually understanding of others if they felt the person was genuinely trying to be helpful. She says these are general messaging guidelines to follow, but it’s important to recognize that every relationship and breakup is unique, as well as the personal relationships people have with the person experiencing a broken engagement.
“This research is applicable to many situations beyond broken engagements because so many people are in need of support from others,” Riemann says. “If someone is going through a miscarriage, cancer treatment, or grieving a loss, for example, the exact wording of a message may vary, but the idea of being fully present for that person and putting some thought into a kind response can make a positive difference in improving that person’s wellbeing.”
WATCH: Dr. Riemann breaks down more of these key phrases and discusses ways in which people can apply this research to their everyday lives in this video .
The paper, “,” was published in the Journal of Qualitative Research in Medicine & Healthcare.
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