鈥淧arents go through their own transition when they send their kids off to college,鈥� explains E. Christine Moll, PhD, professor of counseling and human services at Canisius College in Buffalo, NY. 鈥淔or them, it鈥檚 often a struggle to find that healthy balance between concern for and coddling of their college students.鈥�
To help parents find that balance, Moll offers some sound advice:
Let your student make mistakes 鈥� maybe even fail. 鈥淭hey鈥檙e going to experience challenges and setbacks but better they make these mistakes in college where safety-nets are in place, rather than later in life when the consequences are more severe,鈥� explains Moll. 鈥淭he important thing is that they walk away having learned conflict resolution, compromise and problem solving, and how to use the experience to become stronger and more steadfast.鈥�
Don鈥檛 play 鈥�20 Questions鈥� with your kid 鈥淪hy away from asking your student specific questions about their grades, homework or deadlines for projects,鈥� says Moll. 鈥淚nstead, ask a few open-ended questions that invite conversation. For example, 鈥榃hat are you reading in English class?鈥� or 鈥楬ow are things going with your roommate?鈥� The key is to show you鈥檙e interested but not involved.鈥�
Help your student help himself 鈥淧arents should feel confident that they don鈥檛 need to advocate for their sons or daughters as much as they maybe had to in high school because college鈥檚 have built-in support services,鈥� says Moll. 鈥淪o if a student needs help with tutoring, financial aid or residence life, suggest he seek assistance from one of the appropriate resources on campus.鈥� Moll continues, 鈥淥ne of the best tools available to parents is the college鈥檚 website, which gives them access to all kinds of information relevant to the institution鈥檚 various support services.鈥�
Don鈥檛 call in the cavalry just yet 鈥淢ost parents instinctively want to call in the cavalry when their sons or daughters call, panicking about a problem, but moms and dads should not feel compelled to respond right away,鈥� says Moll. 鈥淟isten to what the problem is. Then, suggest that everyone sleep on it for a day or two. Usually by the time you revisit the issue, the student figures out how to resolve it on his own 鈥� or it鈥檚 resolved itself.鈥�
The same but different Moll concludes, 鈥淩elinquishing parental control can be difficult, particularly after 18 years of jurisdiction. But the loss of parental control doesn鈥檛 mean the loss of influence. Your children still need you when they go off to college, just in different ways.鈥�
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