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News — Anyone on a cancer journey needs support from other people. On my journey, I was incredibly fortunate. Family, friends, fellow breast cancer survivors, social workers and many others were there for me. Most important among them was my husband, Scott, the first person I told about my diagnosis and my partner every step of the journey. We sat down to talk about his experience.

Rochelle: Think back to that day in November of 2023 when I came to your office and sat in your guest chair, and told you I had breast cancer. What went through your mind?

Scott: “Oh, lord, something else to deal with.” We’d just lost our dog, just lost your mom to ovarian cancer. And you didn’t finesse it. You came over and just threw it out there. I wasn’t really sure what to make of it. It took some time to process.

Rochelle: What did it take to really process it?

Scott: I think a lot of the processing was just letting you process first. You were already kind of devasted after your mom’s death, and it was one more thing that got piled on. A lot of it was seeing how you felt about it, seeing how you were dealing with it, and then trying to see how I could be supportive in that situation – because it wasn’t clear.

Rochelle: I know you were really worried about me, from an emotional and mental standpoint, more than a physical one.

Scott: It was uncharted territory for both of us. I was extremely concerned about you and how you were going to hold together at that point. I was just trying to manage through the uncertainty, help you keep everything on track and keep you motivated to follow through on everything you needed to do.

Rochelle: What did you expect from a medical standpoint?

Scott: I knew that we were just going to do whatever we had to do to deal with it. It was clear the cancer had been caught very early, and we live in an area with access to good care. We had insurance and family support. Honestly, though, the scope of it really didn’t start to be clear to me until the initial consultations with the surgeons. That’s when the heaviness of it really entered into my mind.

Rochelle: We had two of those consultations in one day – my first and second opinions. We got a lot of information. What was going through your head during those appointments?

Scott: “Wow, this is a lot.” It kind of felt like contradictory messages. On the one hand, we were hearing, “This is not terribly severe. The good news is, we caught it early; it’s small.” And then, you conflate that with the litany of pending doctor’s appointments, follow-up appointments, diagnostics, radiology, long-term care plans, the estrogen blocker – everything. It was a lot, so I just made a conscious decision that it was going to happen one day at a time and to just kind of deal with it and work through the process. Otherwise, we’d both drive each other and ourselves mad.

Rochelle: You came with me to every appointment. How was it for you to listen to the surgeons discuss my cancer, my prognosis, the surgery plans and everything?

Scott: Every step along the way, we went to very skilled surgical oncologists for opinions. It reassured me that what they said was very similar in terms of diagnosis, their interpretation and what they felt was the best course of action. Your Sylvester surgeon did a phenomenal job of explaining things in very simple and understandable terms that weren’t overly scientific and were very practical. But the more you understand, the more you think about what’s going on.

Rochelle: Did you feel overwhelmed?

Scott: Absolutely, just by the sheer volume of appointments and information from different sources. I felt overwhelmed, both emotionally and intellectually. But I just reminded myself that if this is overwhelming for me, I can only imagine how it is for Rochelle.

Rochelle: I did a lot of research before and during my treatment. What was your approach?

Scott: I looked up a few things online, but not extensively. I didn’t want to start getting into a doom-scrolling situation. With any medical condition, there are a lot of things that can go wrong.

It was hard to keep myself from that – I’m a researcher. But we were hearing a lot of information firsthand from doctors, so I kept my research to a minimum. Plus, you’re an over-communicator, and I was hearing a lot about what was going on from your end, too.

Rochelle: Surgery day was much longer than you expected – not because of any complications, but because I kept going back to sleep afterward!

Scott: You needed a longer recovery time than initially planned. The hospital had pretty much emptied out, and I was sitting there in the waiting room. I was confident things were working out, but when it started stretching into the evening, that was a little distressing. I eventually got permission to go into the recovery area so I could sit next to you.

When I saw you, I knew it was fine. You were just loopy on the medication and anesthesia. Every time you opened your eyes, you seemed fine – just a little goofy.

Rochelle: How long were you back there with me?

Scott: A few hours.

Rochelle: Really?

Scott: Yes. It was a balancing act. I wanted you to be comfortable in terms of pain, but I also wanted to get you home into our bed where you could start your recovery.

Rochelle: We got home at like 10:30 at night and I was so hungry. You made me pancakes, right?

Scott: I think so. I do remember cooking dinner for you.

Rochelle: As I moved through surgery, recovery, physical therapy and radiation, how did you see your role?

Scott: Being there to facilitate what needed to happen and to listen to how you were feeling about everything. Being a sounding board if there was a decision to be made. And just being a husband. Our relationship didn’t change.

Rochelle: How did you balance being supportive and taking care of your own needs?

Scott: Poorly. But around the time you were doing radiation, I started channeling some energy into eating better, getting more exercise and focusing on my own health. That took a lot of the stress off of things. When I was out exercising, that was my time for me. I started giving myself a routine where I was focusing on myself. I had to carve out little pieces for myself when I could, find a little extra energy to concentrate on me.

Rochelle: I know I told you at one point that I couldn’t be your emotional support because I was just barely hanging on. How did you feel about that?

Scott: You were pretty inward-focused for a while, particularly toward the beginning of the process. You were grieving for your mother, grieving for our dog and grieving for yourself. I gave you your space, but I tried to get you talking, tried to make sure you got out and saw some of your friends. You didn’t do that for a while, and I pushed you.

Rochelle: You were right about getting out and seeing my friends. It helped me a lot. Did you ever feel like I was neglecting you?

Scott: I didn’t feel neglected. Like I said, there were times you had really had an inward focus, obsessing about everything that was going on for yourself. It’s understandable. You were spending a lot of time on you, and your right breast was the focus of a lot of people’s attention.

But there were times I felt put upon and disconnected from you. There was just a lot going on. The hardest part was sometimes getting you out of your loop of thinking about things that were going on with you and focusing on things like the normal rhythms of our relationship.

Rochelle: Still, I think we can be proud of how we handled this together.

Scott: Yes. We dealt with it together. A cancer journey is not a single moment or a single benchmark or milestone. It’s a continuum that’s going to last for many, many years. There’s maintenance, tamoxifen, we don’t know what the future’s going to hold. People talk about whether you’re cured, but what is cured?

Rochelle: Are there any lessons or advice you would share with other partners?

Scott: Don’t leave it all to the partner receiving treatment. Make sure you’re there; make sure you listen. Make sure you understand what’s happening. Try to be a sounding board and come up with decisions by consensus if you can. But also recognize that if your spouse is the one going through cancer, it’s not about you. It’s about them. Understand what they’re going to be dealing with, and, to the best of your ability, just try to be there and support them.

Rochelle: What was the biggest thing you learned through this?

Scott: I developed more compassion and empathy for the fact that so many people have gone through or are going through something pretty awful. The more I talk to people, the more I realize they have situations that are similar to this or so much worse.

Nobody can make it through the cancer journey alone. Reach out to Sylvester’s by calling 305-243-4129. They can help with practical needs, such as transportation and finances, as well as connections to resources for your . You can also find connections at Sylvester’s many for cancer survivors and caregivers. And remember, you’re a survivor from the day of your diagnosis!

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Rochelle Broder-Singer is a journalist with over two decades of experience in journalism and communications. In addition to her professional achievements, Rochelle is currently writing a series of articles for Sylvester to share her personal experiences as a breast cancer survivor. Read more of her articles on the UHealth blog.